Rebekah Quintana
Mrs.Boresen
Expos, P-6
Winter Narrative
January 12,2009
Christmas break is a time that most people spend with those who are close to them. Christmas is a fun and special time for everyone. It is best to share the memories of Christmas with the ones you love. This Christmas I learned an amazing lesson that changed my view of Christmas. Christmas is not all about opening gifts and bragging about what you got. The most important thing about Christmas is being with loved ones and the feeling of making someone else’s Christmas a miracle. Giving is the magical lesson I experienced this Christmas.
I spent most of my Christmas break shopping and trying to make Christmas a miracle for someone who has never really had a real Christmas before. My boyfriend, Tj, means a lot to me and I felt bad because he has never experienced Christmas the way I had. I made sure that I got him involved this year and that he knew what he was missing out on. I made sure I got him a stocking and a bunch of presents. I pretty much wanted to make sure he wasn’t missing out on Christmas this year. I made his Christmas a magical and special experience.
Christmas day finally came around the corner and boy was Tj excited. I have never seen him so excited on Christmas before. When Tj walked in the door of my house and saw a stocking and tons of presents with his name on them he didn’t know what to do. He was so excited he had a huge cheese burger smile and he was surprised. While Tj was opening his presents he had this look in his face that I had never seen before. He made Christmas a magical and fun experience for the both of us. I enjoyed Christmas this year because I got to see Tj enjoy Christmas the way I always have.
After opening all the presents around the tree, Tj and I spent most of the day together and we treasured the memories we both shared that day. This Christmas is one Christmas I will never replace in my heart. I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas break like I did and learned a lesson that will be handy in the future.
I really enjoyed this Christmas break compared to the past years. I really never had experienced this magical feeling before. But now I know giving is a better feeling then receiving. The best part of my Christmas break was I saw Tj have the best time and see him experience something he always wanted to.
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THe first part of your essay realy caught my attention, but I felt like the middle of you essay left me hanging. You need to focus on orgnaiztion and outline your essay before you write it. Don't forget about editing your paper, I noticed tha tyou needed to read it aloud to find those couple of mistakes that you looked over.
ReplyDeleteAudience and purpose: 3
Format:4
Total: 45/50 90%
I liked your hook, it was very strong and pulled me in. In the last paragraph you kind of jumped around a little much. Next time you write an essay I think you should have a more focused conclusion instead of jumping around. I thought it was really nice of you to help someone out and give them a good expeirience.
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job with your writing by having a strong introduction. You could improve your body writing by adding a little more detail. The best part of your story was the description of your boyfriend's reaction. I wonder if you could have included the rest of your family in your narrative? I liked your topic, it made it a good story.
ReplyDeleteI relate to your experiences because it is more about spending time with loved ones. The best part is hearing you getting TJ involved. I wondered why your writing strength fades towards the middle. It sounds like and overall good experience regardless. Maybe next time just spend a little extra work on the body paragraphs?
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